Tag Archives: story

Twittering Tales: Let’s Get Tattoos…

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With each stab of ink the message slowly revealed itself: I’ve only paid up to the words ‘I’ve poisoned you’. Wire £1m for the antidote…

 

138 Characters

 

Written for: Twittering Tales

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Filed under Flash fiction

Henry’s Smoking Hot Octogenarian Wife #Writephoto

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Everyone knew she was naked inside that coffin – the mourners, the pall-bearers, the altar boys – everyone. She’d not exactly been backwards in coming forwards, and her final wishes had spread through the community like wildfire.

Henry’s eulogy was a masterclass in widower’s grief, but as he took to the pulpit he could tell that the congregation paid his words no mind. Either through lust or envy, they were all thinking about those big ole boobs.

‘Though we didn’t meet till later life…’

…He stole a glance at a man in the second row – Ron –  a Vietnam veteran whose thousand yard stare drifted towards a tree-line filled with an orgy of insurgents. He and Henry’s wife had been lovers during the 70’s and tales of their debauchery were the stuff of legend.

‘…We crammed an eternity into those few short months…’

Manny and Tony in the fourth row – the instigators of an epic menage-a-trois if stories were to be believed.

‘And though she had…a number of partners…before I was blessed to…’

At the back of the church an overly made up wreck in a leopard-print dress guffawed and warmed herself with the memories of a long distant kinky phase.

‘…I consider myself her soul mate.’

A conveyor belt whirred, the wooden tube penetrated a velvet curtain and the congregation stiffened somewhat.

Afterwards the priest solemnly presented Henry with an urn, turned to leave and, presumably thinking he was out of earshot, murmured: ‘What a piece of ash!’

 

Written for: #WritePhoto

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Filed under Flash fiction, short story

Twittering Tales: Prey of Bird…

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“We can confirm that the suspect was neutralized in a drone strike. The drone sent compromising photos to his wife and she emasculated him.”   (140 characters)

 

Written for: Twittering Tales

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Filed under Flash fiction

Random story…

Ten years ago I was a graduate working for a bank. One of the main aspects of my role brought me into regular contact with a senior manager called Mr. Scoffield – a man who perpetually ate and was so large that he was more commonly known as ‘Scoffer.’

Scoffer had no time for graduates and would mock me and the other ‘lambs’ at every available opportunity. On our infamous final meeting he said ‘You are useless, but then that’s what you get for sending a boy to do a man’s job,’ to which I replied ‘As opposed to you – sending two men to do a man’s job. Manage a project? You can’t even manage your waist-line.’

During the ensuing bollocking my boss attempted to keep a straight face whilst telling me that my comments were inappropriate.

Anyway…years later I bumped into an old colleague. We started reminiscing and Scoffer came up in conversation.

‘How’s he getting on?’ I enquired.

‘Sadly he passed away.’

‘My God, what happened?’

‘A vending machine fell on him.’

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A blackened mind laid bare…

…Back in June when I first started touting my wares I joined a large number of online writing forums. Only now have they begun to pay dividends (if by dividend you mean being bombarded with early morning e-mails from insomniac scribes tinged with lunacy).

We in the amateur writing community are encouraged to send our literary efforts out into the ether in order to gain constructive feedback. In the last seven days I have received the following stories:

  • ‘The first time I killed a man’ – a gory account of bludgeoning a maths teacher to death
  • ‘Fear’ – the tale of a boy who wakes to find he has turned into a duvet.
  • ‘Untitled’ – a man shaves his balls in preparation for a date who subsequently doesn’t turn up.

I replied to the latter one with ‘You have scarred me psychologically…in a good way,’ and am considering posting a story called ‘Where I buried the ex-wife.’

 

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