For the last ten years or so I’ve been trying to teach my mother the following joke:
Bloke 1: Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
Bloke 2: No.
Bloke 1: Apparently he was dragged down by a strong current.
Unfortunately her brain works differently from most people and she feels compelled (mostly at parties) to blurt out variations on ‘Did you hear about the current…oh…forget that bit…did you…something about muesli…erm…oh…etc.’
Similarly the joke ‘Two seals walk into a club,’ transmogrifies as ‘There’s a club…no, not a club – a seal cub…a seal walks into a bar…not a bar…a club.’
I’ve written before about accidentally typing ‘retards’ instead of ‘regards’ on letters to publishers. I have now superseded this with a phone pitch that went:
‘Hi, I’m ringing to enquire as to whether you’re taking on any new authors?’
‘That was a very wordy introduction. I hope you’re writing is better.’
‘Don’t be – goodbye.’