…Or ‘My Expletive and Dwarf-laden journey home…’ (Certain words have been substituted to give this a PG-13(ish) rating).
Aldgate station, London 17:45, usually quiet, on this particular occasion – rammed to the gills: ‘We apologise for the congestion,’ droned the tannoy, ‘This was caused by a fight on a train and subsequent cancellations.’
A cursory glance at the board told me that I wasn’t getting home via the conventional route. I took the next available train going west and changed at Baker Street. As I reached the start of the escalator an incredibly short man cut in front and tripped over my feet. Temper-wise he went from zero to a zillion within the space of a nanosecond – peppering me with a barrage of C-bombs and spectacularly overreacting.
‘Charming,’ I replied like an imbecile. Further C-bombs abounded.
In addition to the man’s height deficiency he was also three rungs below me. As such my genitals bore the brunt of his fury; an overarching thought throughout: I am perfectly positioned to kick you right in the face…but I’m not going to do that. Sure, you look like a midget with a Napoleon complex, but you might be a ninja. I can’t go out like that. It would be like choking on a marshmallow or getting run over by a segue.
A voice from behind came to my aid: ‘Mate, calm down, I saw – It was an accident – you pushed in.’ I turned. The voice belonged to a man in a three-piece suit
‘Well you can funf yourself as well,’ screamed the ninja.
Napoleon stormed off leaving me a little shaken.
‘Don’t worry about it mate,’ reassured Three-piece, ‘guy’s a douche – you handled it well.’
‘I would’ve hit him!’
Far below Napoleon had clearly decided our encounter wasn’t over and was waiting for me at the bottom of the escalator.
‘If you ever deliberately trip me again I will slit your throat you C-bomb.’
‘Mate, it’s been a long day – I’m not doing this.’
‘You’ll do what I funfing well tell you you’ve doing.’
‘OK…’ I went to the right side of the platform, as did Three-piece. Napoleon followed.
Together we tried to placate the little man whilst he continued threatening and bombarding us with abuse. Eventually he lost interest and started to walk away.
‘Jeez,’ sighed Three-piece. ‘I bet you wished you’d pushed him down the escalator.’
‘What did you funfing say?’
‘Oh c’mon! No one can be this angry!’
The train arrived, packed to the rafters. No one got on board. It pulled away leaving us on the platform.
‘Yeah,’ snarled Napoleon, ‘you thought you’d escaped, but now you’re stuck with me.’
Three-piece made a strange noise. I looked to him and saw that he was laughing his ass off. He set me off.
‘This isn’t funfing funny!’ Napoleon declared.
‘It’s quite funny,’ Three-piece responded.
‘This is ridiculous,’ I added. ‘You’re ridiculous. Why are you so aggressive?’
‘If you don’t stop laughing…’
Before I knew what I was saying I’d stepped up to him. ‘I tell you what – Throw down or f*&% off.’
‘Oh, you want we to throw down? I’ll funfing throw down. I’ll throw you off the funfing earth.’
I am living proof that it is possible to find something hilarious whilst also fearing for your wellbeing. ‘No, I don’t want you to throw down. I want you to go away.’
Another train arrived. The three of us got into the same carriage and stood staring at one another for the next ten minutes . It was the closest I’ve ever come to an out of body experience in that I could sense how smug I must look, but was powerful to wipe the provocation from my lips. Three-Piece was clearly having the same issue.
At Paddington the two normal-sized people alighted.
‘Bye C-BOMBS!’ Napoleon yelled.
If I was going to smack him I’d left it a little late. I looked at Three-piece. He gave me a cheeky wink.
‘BYYYEEE,’ we both waved euphorically.