Anti-Social Media

Well, I’ve had a very productive commute! My gifts to the world include…

Rate My Troll (.com) The pitch: Why feel morally superior to people who post anonymous racist, misogynistic rants by tackling their indefensible comments with more enlightened points of view when you can feel morally superior by criticising them on their poor use of grammar? For example: ‘A womans’ place is in the kitchen?’ – I think you’ll find it woman’s – Get your possessive nouns right pleb. Or did you mean a collection of individual women? In which case it’s still wrong and a paradox – douchebag(‘s)!

This is how we end all malice. I think I’ve stumbled onto something here. Either that or the abuse gets more eloquent (which is a victory of sorts).

Shoredicks: Like Michelin stars, but for A-holes. I went to a hipster cafe. The barista had a tattoo of a chemical equation on his arm. I inquired after its meaning. He told me it was the chemical formula for love. I wanted to punch him in the face. If there’d been two Shoredicks in the window I’d have known not to go in!

Shat-Nav: The William Shatner-themed-satellite-navigation system, complete with strange pauses in conversation that make you miss your stop and sudden forays into spoken-word renditions of popular tunes. Either that or one that allows you to record your own voice so that you feel like a driving Adonis (‘Check me out – I know where everything is.’ or ‘Why thank you Martin, I will take the next left.’)

Informiaowshon Super Highway: Make it illegal for people to post cat pictures anywhere other than on the dark web – that supposed part of the internet reserved for ultra-violent and morally bankrupt material. We’ll obviously still have to hunt them down and punish them for their crimes (I’m still talking about the cat people).

Light Web: A saccharine-sweet cyber world in which no one says anything nasty ever. Anyone writing a trolly comment has their IP address instantly blocked for life leaving people free to post things like ‘I’ve just bought a new fridge’ or ‘Look, I’ve made a casserole nyom nyom’ or whatever, and other people can reply with ‘Ooh, I made a casserole once. Did you use beef?’ and the first person can say ‘Yes – LOL’ or whatever (but no cat pictures). At the end of each month a list is compiled of everyone who has used the light web. They are then rounded up and killed, and the rest of us normal people can get back to being miserable without bothersome interruptions.

Inadvertently Curing All Prejudice: Advocate one day a week when it’s acceptable to use all of the really great insults you harnessed as a child before finding out what they really meant and subsequently losing the right to use them. It would be awkward at first, but once we’ve all got over ourselves we can crack on with establishing utopia. I’ve come up with two amazing names for this day, but am too afraid to post either of them! 

Los Lobotomy: ‘You know what this crowded tube train needs?’ I thought, ‘a mariachi band!’ and etc…

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