Monthly Archives: January 2012

Dr. Seuss and booze…

…spawned the idea of writing kids stories where the language and subject matter were deliberately inaccessible. By 1 A.M we had a few running titles: ‘Let’s count to infinity,’ and ‘Silly Billy retrieves his frisbee from the Nazis.’

A small selection of possible opening lines included: ‘Do you know what pharmaceutical maleficence means? You don’t! Oh dear. Give this book back to daddy and go to your room.’ ‘Ben’s ironic half-smile perfectly illustrated the juxtaposition of an anthropologist going on a violent killing spree.’ And (personal favourite) ‘With a crushing resignation they left Timmy’s rabbit down the well.’

In the sober light of day the critical and commercial enthusiasms have largely dissipated*.

I’m just starting to think about putting together a cover and design for the new book ‘Froth’ (now in its 3rd draft).

The cover of ‘The Melting Pot’ (as seen in the background to this blog) was designed by a good friend of mine, Tim, who was also a co-conspirator in the ill-conceived kids books idea – a very talented chap (though now sadly racked with depression at the loss of his bunny). He took my extensive notes (‘Can it have an orange city in a circle?’) and crafted an image that I was instantly blown away by. Check out his creative excellence at www.systemfx.co.uk

As a self published writer it’s so important to go through all of the appropriate quality gates (extensive editing, proper type-setting, critique etc) so that the end result holds up to scrutiny. A striking front cover is also paramount in showing a potential reader that you mean business. As such I Gave Tim a comprehensive brief:

‘Froth – Man standing in water with waves coming toward him. Waves should be blue. Metaphor for confusion.’

Let’s see what he comes up with!

*Favourite word of the late & fantastically great Mo Cororan!

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Characters to shoe-horn into future plots…

  • Anna Flactic – Blind stenographer / superhero with fatal nut allergy
  • Terry Wrist – White guy who finds it notoriously difficult to clear customs
  • Toby Continued – Endlessly procrastinating bomb disposal expert
  • Kip Keepinon – Still sporting a king-size afro despite virtually no coverage
  • Stan Din – Lithuania’s second most successful martial artist / massive inferiority complex
  • Manuel Override – Portuguese grief councillor with no concept of personal space
  • Brian Stopme – Guitarist with French Queen tribute band ‘Nous son champignons’
  • Henrietta Stool – Holistic therapist with questionable eating habits

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Three square meals from anarchy

Stuck in frost induced traffic this morning I was reminded of a similar inconvenience some years ago and a conversation / rant that took place between a friend and I:

(Friend) ‘How can this continue to happen in a civilised society? They should introduce some sort of system like they have with cattle whereby, if you’re late for work, you can just shoot the drivers in front of you in their heads with a bolt gun and roll their cars into a ditch.’

‘I believe there is such a system in existence. It’s called ethnic cleansing.’

‘Oh nothing as sinister as that. It would need the right person at the top. A level headed….middle class…man (obviously) to act as a benevolent tsar.’

‘Benevolently overseeing the execution of fellow motorists?’

‘Exactly.’

‘And would this person be you?’

‘I can see that we’re on the same page.’

I should have said ‘cattle are very rarely late for work,’ but then killer rebuttals hardly ever come to you at the right moment.

Back in the present I turned off the engine, turned on my laptop and started proof reading. In the next few weeks I’m going to publish on the site www.smashwords.com. I will then have versions of ‘The Melting Pot’ in e-pub, i-phone and pdf (in addition to the already published kindle version).

Smashwords looks like a good avenue for readership.  A large proportion of their best sellers appear to be erotic fiction, thus exposing me (bad choice of words) to the heavily mined and lucrative trouser-less single male market.

I’ve also added some sharing buttons below each post of this blog (Facebook ‘like’, Linked In and co), so if you appreciate my utterances please share them. I thank you…

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How DARE you sir!

As part of a conversation in which halchofrol was involved I agreed to spend a day pretending to be a perpetually aggrieved aristocrat. Money would be changing hands on completion of said venture, and so a handshake was required. I was about to make bodily contact with the equally inebriated fellow when I realised that it was a trap. Why on earth would someone as important as me converse with such a lowly oik?

I withdraw my finely manicured digits, slapped him about the face and called him ‘an impertinent blaggard.’

‘This should be un piece de gateaux,’ I mused with a much deserved sense of superiority.

Anyway, where the hell have I been for the last two and a half years? Not pursuing this passion, that’s where. No matter. Let’s get back to it.

Last week ‘The Melting Pot’ was published on Amazon’s Kindle. ‘Kindle Direct Publishing’ is an extraordinary opportunity that allows a writer to be ignored by everyone in the entire world where previously they were merely shunned by their country of origin!

In truth it’s brilliant. My book is now available to millions of people for less than one pound / dollar / euro, for one click and with sample chapters viewable. Check it out at both Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com…

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