Last night a speed date saved my life…

My self-imposed exile and creative drought has finally been broken by the strangest of stimuli…Internet dating.

Recently a number of close friends have been thoughtlessly getting married and leaving me in an ever diminishing singles pool. Up until 32 everything was lovely and laid back, but now there seems to be a mad dash to pair me off with my soul mate before I die (no doubt gloriously happy in a bachelor pad surrounded by scaletrix and empty champagne bottles).

So many people (mainly unscrupulous females) are trying to ‘save me from myself’ that I now regular hear the phrase ‘what do you think of this one?’ and look down to see a polaroid placed under my nose. In a way it’s flattering, but in another it’s plain ridiculous…

…Anyway, partly through curiosity and partly to quell the harassment I joined a website.

Just like all the other tens of thousands of people who partake I never thought that I would, wasn’t sure what I hoped to get out of it and am even less sure now, but an old friend met his wife online a few years back and it seemed like an interesting thing to try…

…Not that I’ve had any success you understand – Quite the opposite in fact. I was initially contacted by several interested parties (which was gratifying to the ego), before finding out that they were somewhat unhinged (should’ve smelled a rat when they were mailing me at 4 in the morning). To quantify the word ‘unhinged’

  • ‘You sound nice. My biological clock is ticking. Only reply to this correspondence if you would seriously consider getting married within the next three months.’ My non-reply was met at first with ‘Why haven’t you replied?’ before finally ‘ANSWER ME!’
  • Another woman (genuinely) described herself as ‘not as fat as I used to be’ and ‘almost over my ex-boyfriend,’ to which I replied ‘Own teeth, though sadly no longer in my mouth.’

Aware that I wasn’t taking the pursuit of a partner very seriously I drifted into lazy people watching (not to be confused with stalking) and this is what I learned…

…It is truly staggering what people will send out into the ether for complete strangers to read – From soul-baring statements such ‘my life is empty – where are you, my prince’ to ‘bald and / or Chinese men need not apply’  (being a balding man I considered responded with ‘I’m looking for a shallow racist. You sound amazing.’) 

…Bringing this back to vaguely writing based…there are times when creating a story where I’ll think this character is too far-fetched or that scenario would never happen in reality. Recent experience seems to fly in the face of that. As a result I’ve come up with a large number of fantastical plots that I’m going to flesh out over the next few weeks… 

…None of which has anything to do with dating!

Back on the dating thread – If anyone is seriously considering it – my advice would be not to put ‘great sense of humour,’ but instead write something stupid. I considered starting with either ‘Follicly-challenged waffler seeks tangential temptress’ or ‘Recently released sex-pest seeks similar,’ before settling on ‘Unfeasibly short man seek giant woman.’

You’d be surprised how many gargantuan ladies are looking for dwarfs…


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2 responses to “Last night a speed date saved my life…

  1. I want to state my high regard of your writing proficiency and ability to make reader to read the while thing to the end. I want to read more of your ideas and to distribute my outlook with you. I will be your regular visitor, that is for certain.

  2. Sarah

    You sound hilarious. GSOH.

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