You say tomato…


In the absence of anything approaching moral fortitude Ursula Boxing arrived at her vocation.

Want someone putting in a box?

Call Ursula Boxing.

Her slow-witted, affable husband Jim manned the phone. As far as he was aware they ran a haulage company (though strangely he’d never seen any trucks).

‘My darling,’ he announced, ‘you’ve a job at a boxing gym! Isn’t that precious!’

‘Yes dear,’ she sighed, sizing him up for future packaging.

The decoded message was clear. Woman. 52. One between the eyes – no fuss.

The place was boarded up. As she entered the door slammed shut behind her and she heard rivets being driven into concrete.

Ursula Boxing was now Ursula Boxed.


Written for: Friday Fictioneers



Filed under Uncategorized

Cruising for burgers…


The way I understand it: The creatures get onto vessels so that they can view me in my natural habitat. They have some reverence for yours truly, no small amount of fear and (might I be so bold), a little awe.

Theirs is a strange existence. They cover their bodies in fabric, move about on a two dimensional plain and have seemingly restricted themselves to the smallest bit of the planet.

Disproportionately loud.

Not particularly tasty.

Far inferior to the blubbery, bewhiskered rodents that serve themselves up for lunch on a daily basis, but then in ever food-chain there are apex predators and there are light snacks…


Written for: Friday fictioneers


Filed under Flash fiction

Fall at the first hurdle…


Knowing that time was short he traded his vast estate for a lump of Orwellium, the rarest metal on earth, so that when his blood-sucking offspring discovered the treasure map they’d discard the seemingly worthless stone that held it in place and set off on a costly and ultimately fruitless quest…


Written for: Twittering Tales


Filed under Flash fiction

Lovely day for a beheading…


Reginald was strangely blasé about the whole thing.

Occupational hazard of being part of the landed gentry, I guess!

He’d had a good run of it, taxing the hell out of his serfs and romping in the haystacks with an array of morally elastic wenches. So what if his coiffured head was shortly to be separated from his velvet covered body?

He was led to a field awash with spent chopping blocks and the discarded cadavers of his extended family.

‘Looks like you won’t be getting those 30 guineas I owe you uncle Francis!’ Reginald gave the executioner a wink. ‘Man, I’m tired of winning!’


Written for: Friday Fictioneers


Filed under Flash fiction

He woke up and it was all a ludicrous dream that he later wrote up into a best-selling novel…


…For his crimes against humanity Dan Brown found himself on a blackened island at the centre of a sulphurous lake. Amidst noxious flames demons whispered that the pope was out to get him and that a sacred manuscript had been secreted somewhere deep inside his colon…


Written for: Twittering Tales


Filed under Flash fiction

Nemesis Convention…


‘Last year’s Nemesis Convention was held in a heavily fortified hollowed out volcano!’

Des Troyer slammed the door on his cape and cursed.

‘Times are tough my friend,’ Kat Tastrophy replied menacingly.

‘It looked way nicer on the invitation.’

‘Well, that’s what happens when you miss your sales targets three quarters in a row. Successfully dissolve a few more superheroes in acid and we’ll see about holding the next meeting in space.’

‘Oh no, look, Booby-Trap’s car’s parked out front!’

‘That’ll be where the front door went.’

‘God I hate that infernal temptress, always out-blackmailing me…And I never know where to look!’


Written for: Friday Fictioneers


Filed under Flash fiction

They grow up so fast…


August 12th – A day that would forever go down in infamy – the day we harnessed the power of children’s adrenaline. It seemed so simple at the time – take them to a fairground, let them become excited, or better still, a little afraid, (painlessly) extract the chemicals from their tiny bodies and convert them into chalky bricks of unbridled combustibility.

The energy crisis was solved over night!

But then came the drawbacks.

The children became bored with their escapades and ceased to produce the desired fight or flight responses, but by then the world’s economy had been built upon their backs, forcing scientists to find new and ingenious ways to stimulate the release of hormones, heightening tolerance, pumping up body mass and creating something wholly other – unwieldy, petulant and indestructible.

If only we’d gone with green energy, or fossil fuels, or even good ole nuclear – anything but this…


Written for: Friday Fictioneers


Filed under Flash fiction